Uncovering Domestic Abuse
For the past decade, the biblical counseling world has been working to produce insightful resources to address the epidemic of domestic abuse, which is more prevalent in Christian homes and churches than we realize. Therefore, I am excited about a new mini-book, Uncovering Domestic Abuse: Knowing What to Look For, by counseling pastor Timothy St. John. This is one of a handful of tools that are helping me to grow and think more deeply and biblically about the heart problems behind abusive behavior and how to shepherd those whose spirits have been crushed. Reading through it again, I found it so helpful this week that I ordered enough copies for our elders, counselors, and church bookstore.
Here are some sentences and paragraphs that I find especially helpful.
The Root of Abusive Behavior is a Self-Centered, Kingdom-Building Heart
Timothy St. John addresses the problem of abuse by beginning with the self-enthroned heart of the person whose life pattern is to belittle and control others.
It’s important to remember…that the dark and twisted world of abuse is a selfish kingdom where an abuser has used their influence to center themselves and to decenter Christ. Using the word ‘kingdom’ is important in discussing abuse because we are asking victims to question someone they haven’t been allowed to question, to reject a law to which they may have been accustomed for years, and to take a stand against the sin of someone they’ve always submitted to. Helping them realize they are living according to someone else’s kingdom, not God’s kingdom, can offer a fresh perspective on what is right and wrong.
How is it possible for the church to have such a significant abuse problem? To begin to understand this, it’s important to see that the core of this sin is seeking first the kingdom of the abuser. A pattern of unrepentant selfishness has become so normalized that a victim’s thoughts about self, relationships, situations, and even their thoughts about God may begin to revolve around the abuser as the guiding light, the source of truth, and the center of everything.
To build a self-centered kingdom, you need the freedom to exert control over those around you without accountability. This is typically done by pressuring your close relationships (someone you’re dating, a close friend, a spouse, a child) to attend to your feelings and desires, doing whatever it takes to make your feelings and desires known loud and clear.
Abuse Is Much More Than Physical Violence
St. John carefully defines abuse as a misuse of power for selfish reasons, which extends far beyond physical harm.
There doesn’t need to be physical violence for abuse to exist. Other selfish displays of power could involve name-calling, demeaning words, frequent criticism, insulting family and friends, driving recklessly to frighten, using the voice or body language to intimidate, threatening suicide, refusing to leave someone alone, refusing to talk for days, or acting like a victim to make someone else feel guilty. We call these actions punishing behaviors or shaming tactics because they promote responses of confusion, doubt, shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, anger, and hopelessness so that the victim feels entirely dependent on the abuser. It’s common for this to result in the victim needing the abuser to tell them what is real and how to think and feel. The longer a victim lives under this mistreatment, the greater the power the abuser has. Eventually, the victim begins to believe that their suffering is really their own fault. In these situations, the victim begins to see themselves as the problem.
There is a close relationship between the ideas of kingdom and power. A kingdom describes the context where a leader’s power is used, while power refers to the influence someone has within that particular context. Power is a vital focus whenever discussing abuse because the behavior could not happen without power. When I steward the power God has given me to love him and love others, I’m seeking his king-dom. When I use my power to fulfill my own selfish desires, I’m on the road to building my own alternative kingdom.
The Church Should Be a Safe Place for Wilted Spirits to Find Help
Since domestic abuse is a well-kept secret in many Christian homes and churches, those trapped in life patterns of harmful control need accountability from the church so they can begin to see why their heart craves supremacy over others. And those who live under the misuse of power need soul care.
The church should be a place where widows and orphans are cared for, where the oppressed are advocated for, where the hurting have help to bear their burdens, and where the humble experience God’s grace.
Every church should have an advocate for victims of spousal abuse who is trained in discerning abuse, helping the victim stay safe, and making a plan for next steps. As important as a trained advocate is when abuse is suspected, I also want to suggest that everyone in the church is called to live as advocates in each other’s lives. As churches, we not only want safety, we want survivors to have a vision for redemption.
Victims of abuse have often had the most intimate and powerful voice in their life condemning them, accusing them, and diminishing their personhood. We want to be a family that represents our loving Shepherd’s voice that helps, encourages, and lifts up those who have been filled by their abuser with guilt, shame, and fear.
Jesus Understands Abuse But Does Not Condone It
The person whose spirit has been crushed by another person’s misuse of power needs to be patiently and repeatedly directed to the tender and compassionate heart of Christ who fully understands and empathizes.
As the greatest abuse sufferer in history, he fully understands the pain of victims and he promises to carry them through the darkest valleys of this life by his grace. That is the love of our great God that we get to bring to those who suffer. While victims might be used to having their suffering minimized or being blamed for it, we can bring the clarity of Scripture to tell the truth about how they have been sinned against, to lament with them amidst their suffering, and to meditate together on Christ’s love in the gospel.
